fight {day 10}

10 Oct

I finally understood this poem by Jane Kenyon the spring of my sickness. “Yes,” I wanted to shout, feeling bruised and bloody. “Yes, you know.”

It was not the first time I’d read it. That was in college, when my husband, fighting with his own unholy ghost, read it at a poetry coffeehouse. But the spring of the sadness and the blue pills, I knew it, and it knew me, down to the bones.

It was long, sprawling, a boxer going round after round. Some lines are quick knock-outs. Others, long stretches of poetry, like a boxer circling, dancing, for minutes on end.

I could barely make it through the sentence “You wouldn’t be so depressed if you really believed in God” without a grim smile. I read parts aloud to my friends, as I began to find my way back again, myself pardoned for a crime I did not commit. I knew what it was like, to have it out with depression, to struggle till dawn, like Jacob with his angel.

Even in the pain, even in the dark, the poem was proof that I was not the only one. There was someone else struggling beside me, fists bloody as she, too, has it out with melancholy, hell bent that it will not win. And, right then, that was enough to keep fighting.

Having It Out with Melancholy

            Jane Kenyon

If many remedies are prescribed for an illness, you may be certain that the illness has no cure.

-A. P. CHEKHOV The Cherry Orchard

1 FROM THE NURSERY

When I was born, you waited
behind a pile of linen in the nursery,
and when we were alone, you lay down
on top of me, pressing
the bile of desolation into every pore.

And from that day on
everything under the sun and moon
made me sad — even the yellow
wooden beads that slid and spun
along a spindle on my crib.

You taught me to exist without gratitude.
You ruined my manners toward God:
“We’re here simply to wait for death;
the pleasures of earth are overrated.”

I only appeared to belong to my mother,
to live among blocks and cotton undershirts
with snaps; among red tin lunch boxes
and report cards in ugly brown slipcases.
I was already yours — the anti-urge,
the mutilator of souls.

2 BOTTLES

Elavil, Ludiomil, Doxepin,
Norpramin, Prozac, Lithium, Xanax,
Wellbutrin, Parnate, Nardil, Zoloft.
The coated ones smell sweet or have
no smell; the powdery ones smell
like the chemistry lab at school
that made me hold my breath.

3 SUGGESTION FROM A FRIEND

You wouldn’t be so depressed
if you really believed in God.

4 OFTEN

Often I go to bed as soon after dinner
as seems adult
(I mean I try to wait for dark)
in order to push away
from the massive pain in sleep’s
frail wicker coracle.

5 ONCE THERE WAS LIGHT

Once, in my early thirties, I saw
that I was a speck of light in the great
river of light that undulates through time.

I was floating with the whole
human family. We were all colors — those
who are living now, those who have died,
those who are not yet born. For a few

moments I floated, completely calm,
and I no longer hated having to exist.

Like a crow who smells hot blood
you came flying to pull me out
of the glowing stream.
“I’ll hold you up. I never let my dear
ones drown!” After that, I wept for days.

6 IN AND OUT

The dog searches until he finds me
upstairs, lies down with a clatter
of elbows, puts his head on my foot.

Sometimes the sound of his breathing
saves my life — in and out, in
and out; a pause, a long sigh. . . .

7 PARDON

A piece of burned meat
wears my clothes, speaks
in my voice, dispatches obligations
haltingly, or not at all.
It is tired of trying
to be stouthearted, tired
beyond measure.

We move on to the monoamine
oxidase inhibitors. Day and night
I feel as if I had drunk six cups
of coffee, but the pain stops
abruptly. With the wonder
and bitterness of someone pardoned
for a crime she did not commit
I come back to marriage and friends,
to pink fringed hollyhocks; come back
to my desk, books, and chair.

8 CREDO

Pharmaceutical wonders are at work
but I believe only in this moment
of well-being. Unholy ghost,
you are certain to come again.

Coarse, mean, you’ll put your feet
on the coffee table, lean back,
and turn me into someone who can’t
take the trouble to speak; someone
who can’t sleep, or who does nothing
but sleep; can’t read, or call
for an appointment for help.

There is nothing I can do
against your coming.
When I awake, I am still with thee.

9 WOOD THRUSH

High on Nardil and June light
I wake at four,
waiting greedily for the first
note of the wood thrush. Easeful air
presses through the screen
with the wild, complex song
of the bird, and I am overcome

by ordinary contentment.
What hurt me so terribly
all my life until this moment?
How I love the small, swiftly
beating heart of the bird
singing in the great maples;
its bright, unequivocal eye.

This post is part of a series, 31 Days of Healing. Check out Day 1 or the complete list of posts. If you want to follow along, you can also subscribe by email or subscribe in a feed reader. (Or “like” the blog on Facebook!)

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4 Responses to “fight {day 10}”

  1. Hannah October 12, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    I used to think the same, that if I really believed in God I wouldn’t be feeling so low. And then someone showed me how whiny David is in the Psalms. ;) It doesn’t lessen the fight, but like you said, it gives us strength to keep going.

    • Christina October 13, 2012 at 8:17 pm #

      Whiny David–I love it! :) One of my favorite stories is Jacob wrestling with the angel (or God?) in Genesis. I didn’t realize till a couple years ago that “Israel” means “he struggles with God.” I love that. Faith is sometimes a stroll and sometimes a wrestling match.

  2. Morgan Guyton October 21, 2012 at 4:34 am #

    “3 SUGGESTION FROM A FRIEND

    You wouldn’t be so depressed
    if you really believed in God.”

    Oh wow, that makes me explode. I would retort back: You wouldn’t be so chipper if you really believed in God and felt the weight of His glory upon you.

    • Christina October 22, 2012 at 10:27 pm #

      Morgan, I remember when I read that line in the Kenyon poem. I snickered out loud. I also snickered out loud (in the best way) when I read this: “You wouldn’t be so chipper if you really believed in God and felt the weight of His glory upon you.” Thanks for this.

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