31 days of healing {day 1}

30 Sep

Ash Wednesday came five days early for me that year.

Instead of a cross of ashes on my forehead, I got this: a bottle of blue pills. Zoloft, an antidepressant. Dust I am, and to dust I shall return.

I spent about four months trying to make my way back again from depression, from anxiety. From feeling like each day was too much, that getting up from bed was too hard. Me, the responsible student. Me, the aspiring pastor. Me, the one who got things done and did things right.

When you are depressed, moment by moment, pieces of you begin to fall off until you feel like you’re in fragments. I’m known as being the funny one, and my humor went. I’m known for being caring, for cooking for people, and I had a hard time even forcing down lunch. I’m known for crafting beautiful sentences, saying insightful things, and I couldn’t even put three words together.

For the next thirty-one days, I’m going to be writing about how I made it to the other side. How I learned to think different, to be different. How, day by day, I shed so much of my old self like a skin.

How I healed. Or better yet: how I was healed. By poems and good songs and good friends. By learning how to give myself grace and giving myself permission to fail. By bacon fried up on Saturday morning and skies full of stars and long embraces from my love. And by the God of grace, who delights in healing more than anything else.

Writing about your life takes some audacity. Presuming to give anyone else advice on theirs takes even more. But I’d like to invite you to come along anyway, in hopes that maybe you will find some kinship in these words, that the things that helped make me a little more whole might do the same for you.

This isn’t a self-help book, a set of prescriptions. This is not a therapy session, though my SuperTherapist (TM) will undoubtedly make an appearance. This is not a religious tract, though since I’m a person of faith, God will undoubtedly make an appearance, too.

The series is just this: one beggar telling another how she found the bread.

So come along, if you will, for thirty-one days of healing.

This post is part of a series, 31 Days of Healing. Check out the other posts in the series:

day two | telling the story: a beginning

day three | permission to fail

day four | telling the story: empty your hands

day five | thank you

day six | telling the story: give it up

day seven | sing

day eight | telling the story: look beside you

day nine | rest

day nine | rest

day ten | fight

day eleven | love, wash over us

day twelve | telling the story: listen

day thirteen | telling the story: humble

day fourteen | not alone: links

day fifteen | telling the story: no denying

day sixteen | telling the story: dance

day seventeen | wrestle with God: a sermon

day eighteen | start again

day nineteen | look

day twenty | the only life you can save

day twenty-one | ask

day twenty-two | three things

day twenty-three | it will come

day twenty-four | lower the stakes

day twenty-five | because

day twenty-six | voice

day twenty-seven | fifty-one minutes

day twenty-eight | quiet

day twenty-nine | waiting

day thirty | happiness

If you want to follow along, you can also subscribe by email or subscribe in a feed reader. Or “like” the blog on Facebook. (We’re all about options here.) And thank you so much for reading!


9 Responses to “31 days of healing {day 1}”

  1. reeve October 1, 2012 at 10:26 am #

    beautifully written. I too struggle with depression and anxiety so I’ll be coming back everyday to read your stories. Thanks so much!

    • Christina October 1, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by! We read to know that we are not alone, yes? These 31 days are going to be a challenge but oh so good, I think.


  2. Hannah October 1, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

    I chose the word healing too, not exactly for depression but some days felt like it. Looking forward to walking these 31 days with you!

    • Christina October 1, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

      Topic twins! Looking forward to reading what you have to say, Hannah.

  3. Donna October 1, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    Love your last line – One beggar telling another how she found bread. Glad to have found you through Nester’s link up. I’m looking forward to what you have to share. I am blogging “I Wear Pink”. Please stop by.

    • Christina October 1, 2012 at 9:40 pm #

      Thanks for the kind words, Donna! I have to admit that I heard the line about the beggars and the bread before, though I don’t exactly remember where. Glad to be on this 31 Days journey with you!

  4. Julie Jordan Scott (@juliejordanscot) October 1, 2012 at 11:03 pm #

    I am one of the 31Dayers… posted right below you in Day 2… and I have also battled depression for much of my life. Since I stopped fighting it and being afraid of it, life has been so much better. I look forward to reading more of your posts as October continues!

  5. wynnegraceappears October 5, 2012 at 7:14 am #

    I looked and looked and looked some more and found you, your words, your blog at The Nester among the thousands. I am there in that community and so glad I have discovered your series and your heart. When I see how poetry healed I knew you were a kindred spirit.


  1. 31 days of randomness personal inspiration day 15 – Forgive and acknowledge | rfljenksy – Practicing Simplicity - October 16, 2012

    […]  213. christina | a holy fool  […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s